Go Take a Walk in Your Forest, It Has a Lot to Say
Open up any website that features articles about celebrities and you are bound to find at least one post detailing someone’s newest beau or how the “it” couple just broke up. American society loves a bit of gossip, and the juiciest news is in relationships: who’s dating whom, who just got married, and who’s back on the market. Relationship talk isn’t just restricted to celebrity culture; as soon as you hit puberty, people start asking you if you’ve got a boyfriend or a girlfriend, and if you don’t, well, you do like someone, right? This obsession continues into high school but mellows a bit as you go through college. However, the effects of this cultural view and the attitudes associated with it do not vanish. Going out to eat, to see a movie, or to almost any event alone is considered strange. And if you’d rather spend time on your career than check out the dating scene, then you’re obviously a workaholic or an emotionless drone. While this sort of attitude isn’t always the norm in the United States, there is an imbalance in values. American culture should value developing yourself as an individual equally as much as dating and starting relationships in your twenties because those years are excellent for figuring out what you enjoy doing, what your lifestyle preferences and personality are, and how to practice self-compassion, which all provide you with skills that can strengthen your relationships.
Your twenties are a prime time to explore (or discover) your passions and hobbies. Many people choose to go to college, which is an excellent way to try out different fields of interest and discover new activities. Most colleges offer a variety of courses in the core subjects of the sciences, social sciences, humanities, and arts, as well as some niche courses in smaller fields. You’re often required to take courses in specific areas, which is a great way to explore subjects you wouldn’t normally be interested in. You may even discover a passion for something you would have never signed up for on your own. Knowing what you like to do makes it easier to connect with other people and could create more chances to find a compatible partner.
However, college is not the only way to figure out what you’re interested in. Whether you’re working, going to school, or doing some combination of both, you still have opportunities to learn more about what you like to do. The Internet is full of free resources on numerous topics, allowing you to sample and experiment with a lot of activities and subjects. Going places, even just in town, also provides chances to discover your interests. Reading books from the library, watching movies, visiting shops and other establishments, and chatting with people are all good ways to learn more about what’s out there. When you’re young, you generally aren’t tied down by too many external responsibilities, such as children or a husband or wife, so you have more freedom and flexibility to explore your passions and to figure out what you enjoy doing in life.
In addition to discovering possible careers and hobbies, living alone, especially during your twenties, allows you to learn how you function as a person. Knowing more about yourself will help you better communicate your preferences and values when you’re in a relationship. When you live alone, you get to decide what your routine looks like: what time you get up, when and what you eat, how you exercise, what you do to relax, and when you go to bed. You can figure out how you want to deal with finances, how clean and tidy you need your living space to be, and your preferred amount and type of socialization. Leon Neyfakh, a writer at The Boston Globe, describes one study, in his article “The Power of Lonely,” that suggests that “[s]pending a certain amount of time alone… can make us less closed off from others and more capable of empathy — in other words, better social animals” (Neyfakh). This means that solitude can help you develop your personality and sense of self, which then helps you develop deeper, more meaningful relationships with other people.
Being single and spending time alone also gives you more space to practice self-compassion. If you can be compassionate to yourself, then you can more easily show compassion for someone else, which is an important aspect of relationships. According to Harvard Health Publications, “[f]orgiving and nurturing yourself can set the stage for better health, relationships, and general well-being.” Learning and practicing self-compassion can help reduce anxiety, stress, and depression because you can recognize your pain and treat yourself with kindness (“The Power of Self-Compassion”). When you are healthy and have the ability to take care of yourself, you have a better chance at caring for a partner when they need kindness and compassion. Practicing self-compassion can also transform your attitude toward failure from an awful experience into a positive one that gives you the opportunity to grow, Emma Seppälä, a Science Director at Stanford University, explains in her self-compassion infographic (Seppälä). Viewing failure as a learning opportunity will affect how you react to your partner’s failures and influence your communication with them as well. In Margarita Tartakovsky’s article “The Power of Empathy in Romantic Relationships & How to Enhance It,” psychotherapist Cindy Sigal explains that learning self-compassion helps you be more empathetic toward your partner. Tartakovsky writes that “[i]t’s hard to empathize with another person if we can’t empathize with ourselves” (Tartakovsky). Empathy is the cord that binds us together in relationships, so it is especially important to gain these skills before starting a relationship.
At this point, some people may say, “That’s all good stuff to do, but aren’t we already doing it? American culture has a good balance right now; in fact, we might even be too individualistic.”
To them, I say: “Have you watched any TV lately?”
What’s popular on TV (and in movies and other media) is often the dominant perspective in our culture. TV shows, even children’s shows, hardly ever portray the loner in a positive light. Either they’re too strange and other characters avoid them or their friend is constantly playing matchmaker and trying to pair them up with someone. It is almost impossible for characters to spend time alone doing what they love without the presence of a romantic subplot. This prominent focus on romance teaches children and teenagers that their big goal in life is to fall in love. Now, this would be fine if it were explained that you don’t have to fall in love young, you can do things for yourself that you enjoy, and you don’t need to rush into dating if you’re not interested or not ready. But none of these views are ever covered in most media, and they aren’t really talked about in schools either. So if there’s an imbalance in the media and an imbalance in education, then there’s definitely an imbalance in the culture.
You have the opportunity to discover a lot about yourself in your twenties. From your passions to your lifestyle preferences and personality to the power of self-compassion, you have many things you can learn on your own. But you don’t always have to be alone, and you can take what you’ve learned and apply it to nurturing a healthy, loving relationship with another person. It’s hard to keep the fire going if you didn’t bring enough wood, but you’ve got a whole forest inside of you just waiting to be explored.
Works Cited
Neyfakh, Leon. “The Power of Lonely.” Boston.com, The Boston Globe, 6 Mar. 2011, archive.boston.com/bostonglobe/ideas/articles/2011/03/06/the_power_of_lonely/?page=full.
“The Power of Self-Compassion.” Harvard Health Publications, Harvard University, www.health.harvard.edu/healthbeat/the-power-of-self-compassion.
Seppälä, Emma. “The Scientific Benefits of Self-Compassion Infographic.” Emma Seppälä, Ph.D., Emma Seppälä, Ph.D., 21 May 2014, www.emmaseppala.com/scientific-benefits-self-compassion-infographic/.
Tartakovsky, Margarita. “The Power of Empathy in Romantic Relationships & How to Enhance It.” Psych Central: World of Psychology, Psych Central, 10 June 2014, psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2014/06/08/the-power-of-empathy-in-romantic-relationships-how-to-enhance-it/.